It is 130a. I wake up to the sound of the BDD licking his chops luxuriously - the licking they do after they eat people food and they're trying to milk ALL the flavor off of their teeth and their lips and...::sigh::
I hate moist sounds. Stirring wet pasta, kneading raw ground meat, dogs licking, cats grooming, eating sounds...I even hate the way the word "moist" sounds. "Moist. Moist. MOIST." Just...ew.
It woke me up. It was gross. It was loud. It kept going. I snapped to jar him from his licking reverie. I called his name and asked him to stop. No dice.
The obvious answer to this dilemma was to leave the room and sleep on the couch, or to remove the dog from the room. But I'm lazy and I just wanted to keep sleeping. Around 330a, I finally* clued in to the actual problem.
A little history here: when BDD was just a small puppy with dinner plate feet, he used to get sick on purpose to get attention.** Whenever he began to make that undogly heaving noise,
I dragged myself out of bed and let the poor long-suffering idiot out. Then I plopped down on the couch to knit. We finally got back to bed at 4.
Normally, this would have been the end of it. I fully believed he was fine later that morning. I packed up the kidlet and went off to Target. We were gone maybe an hour or so, and when we returned, I opened the door to the kind of stink that makes you want to walk back out. My brain did the stank check: "Trash? No, I took that out. Smells like poo...baby? Nope. Oh...oh no..." Oh yes. There was poo all over the front of his crate. It was in his food and water bowls (his water bowl was especially hard hit, making me wonder if I can toilet train a dog). It was on the side of his crate. It was on the floor outside of his crate. It was on the stuff on the floor outside his crate. BUT, except for a slight film on his paws (which he kindly tracked across my carpet and through my kitchen), there was none on him.
If you ever wonder why I haven't had another kid yet, just ask yourself why on earth I would want another source of sleep deprivation, vomit, and poo.
* Shuddup - I was very tired.
** Yes, the vet actually said this is what was going on, after we spent an unreasonable amount of money on tests and finally took note of when he was getting sick (430 every single morning).
*** Yes, we did try all the various solutions to this problem, including lots and lots of different food choices. Nothing worked until he got older.
**** Seriously - I've seen him choke it back. It's heroic and horrifying.